The swamp of my sin

A poem expressing the inward cry of my sinner's heart and the response of the loving Gardener

You have said, "you will sanctify me completely,"

but how can this be

when my sin is like an unrelenting rain that floods the earth?

You have said, "you will keep me blameless at the coming of my Lord Jesus Christ,"

but how can this be

when the floods of my sin land in a thick covering of trees where no light can come through to dry the earth?

You have said, "you will present me holy and above reproach before you,"

but how can this be

when the swampland my sin has created cultivates this stench and attracts these bugs that suck the life out of me and of others?

O how can it be that "you will keep me from stumbling"

when it feels as though I am past stumbling and am drowning in this swamp of my sin?

How can anyone- much more a child created in your image- live in these conditions?

I feel the murky waters killing me and the lives of those I encounter;

I despise this swamp I live in.

How will the light push through to these dark places at the forest's floor

to dry

and cleanse

and grow beautiful things?

"Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night."

Surely fruit cannot be born in a place as this.

Surely it would be better for the trees to collapse in on me and keep me from breathing at all.

...

Yet,

somehow I feel the warmth of light touch these swampy areas of my soul.

Yet,

somehow I feel the murky waters recede and dry up as light breaks through.

However, it's not a wave of your hand that bends the trees and allows the sun to stream in as I imagined you would tend to this swamp.

No,

that's not the proximity you choose.

The light that is wrapping its arms around me is not of the sun but of your Son,

walking amidst these swamp waters of my sin,

drying me from the inside out.

I feel his touch among the dark places within this wasteland,

bringing beauty and life from the muck.

Why would you dwell here with me in a place of such ugliness?

I don't understand.

But I realize it is your greatest joy to be the remedy to my sickness;

the light to my darkness.

Of course, your light is found here because "even darkness is not dark to you;

The night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you."

I realize that your words remain and ring true in a world that is fleeting and false:

"I will never leave you, nor forsake you."

I struggle to believe that you would bear,

even DESIRE, to be among this disgusting, fearsome place;

but you remind me,

you did not come to heal the healthy,

but the sick,

You did not come to save the perfect,

but the sinner.

Your light reaches the evil within that terrifies me

and its warmth comforts and confirms that you love tending to this swamp.

"Your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

You use this disgusting place to humble me and show me I am nothing without you.

"No good thing do I have apart from you."

And it all leaves me with these words that alone seem fitting:

"My heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high."

It's in this posture I can truly receive the grace you have for me

for "you oppose the proud but give grace to the humble."

It is here that I can be transformed into the creation you intended to inhabit this earth.

This swampland becomes a garden as you make it a place

of life

and color

and great joy.

Suddenly I don't feel trapped or alone or ashamed by this place.

I feel a song come to my lips! A song!

Because you are here!

Your presence is a gift

and "in the shadow of your wings, I will sing for joy!"

The song of my heart sings;

"I am yours

and you are mine."

Your gentle touch on the places my life is going awry brings a reminder;

you are committed to loving and helping your helpless child.

"Your discipline is for my good that I may share in your holiness."

I need not do a thing

except recognize my need for you.

I sing for joy!

For you are faithfully turning this swamp of my sin into a garden that shines for your glory.

O Jesus, I sing for joy!

---

After surrendering your life to Jesus, life can often be frustrating when the flesh doesn't adhere to the terms of this surrender. Every day can feel like a battle with the same underlying question, "Is it going to be you or Me?" Oh how desperately I wish to choose Him again and again and again, but so often it is me, me, and me again that I choose to serve. Paul's frustrated cry resounds: "Why do I do what I don't want to do!" Life can feel hopelessly dark as the familiar cold voice torments, "You are alone. Don't you know how far gone you are?" You are tempted to believe the harassment of the enemy and let the darkness completely overwhelm you.

But I believe that it is in even the ugliest and darkest of places that our Jesus likes to tend and bring beautiful change, wonderful light, and unthinkable hope. It's in these places we are too ashamed to bring to Him that He loves to bring Himself and give us a reason to sing as He turns our muck into His beauty!

My prayer is that we would cling to Jesus when the lies of the enemy threaten to devour us. May we let the ugliest and most tender places of our hearts be tended to by the loving Gardener who loves turning our swamps into His gardens!