The inner Mary-Martha conflict

Luke 10:38-42

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

This story has kept making an appearance in my life and I find that I generally shouldn't ignore a repeated theme because it typically means the Lord is trying to make a point.

As I have been reading this story, I keep asking myself the question, “Which one are you? Martha or Mary?”

Desperately, I would love to say I am a Mary– just sitting so joyfully at the feet of Jesus, taking in all that He has to say like a daughter would her father.

But that wouldn’t be the truth. More times than not, I find my mind racing with worries and fears and thoughts about whether or not I am doing enough to please God. More times than not, my mind is full of all of the ways I should be striving to earn God’s “like.”

I say “like” because I know that God loves me. But does He like me too? There is a difference. Growing up my mom would jokingly say, “I love you, but I really don’t like you right now.” In the same way, I get so worried that I am going to lose God’s "like." That if I do, His gracious nearness to me will be replaced with distant indifference.

Because of this fear, my mind races with all of the ways I can keep His "like." With all of the ways I can keep Him pleased with me.

And like Martha, I am distracted and exhausted and desperate for some help.

Recently, I went out with a friend who shared that she saw a heaviness in my spirit as she observed me from afar. It made sense. I have been wrestling with some pretty heavy fears toward God. With tears streaming down my face, I shared my heart and what had been on my mind. That’s when she made another observation.

“I see a heart that reflects Mary and mind that resembles Martha.”

I realized she was right. My heart yearns to be close to Jesus. I desperately wish to be near to His heart. To rest in His arms. But my mind tells me that’s not possible until I do. Like Martha, I must clean the house. I must wash the dishes. I must make dinner. I must make sure everything is in order. Then and only then can I be with Him. I don’t want to take advantage of His gracious presence. Therefore, I must present myself as clean and put together so I don’t waste His time.

But, I’m finding there is too much house to clean for there to be any time left to spend with Him.

As I was thinking through this, a picture was brought to my mind of my earthly father.

My dad is a mechanical engineer and being so, he is very good at fixing cars. This is good because my car pretty consistently needs fixing. My dad doesn’t expect me to get an engineering degree (I tried and failed at that already). He doesn't expect me to learn how to fix my car for myself. No. Instead he graciously takes my car, time and time again, and fixes what’s broken. He doesn’t think I’m taking advantage of him. He’s happy to help me in a way I can’t help myself.

And I suspect he would be even happier if I sat there with him while he fixed it.

In the same way, I don’t have the ability to clean myself up. And God doesn’t expect me to. Graciously, He wants to do what only He can do. He doesn’t think I’m taking advantage of Him. He simply sees a daughter in need of fixing that only her Father can bring.

He’s happy to help. And He too would be even happier if I sat in His presence while He did.

I’m realizing that the more and more I can admit to myself my inadequacy and identify with the helpless child I am, the more freedom and rest I get to enjoy.

This authenticity with the Lord is scary when I believe it’s possible to lose His "like." But as I get to know Him more and more, this fear slowly subsides as I learn just how crazy He is about me. This authenticity that brings me freedom and rest becomes less scary as the God of love that scripture claims becomes more and more evident.

I’m reminded of Psalm 51:16-17.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

This is the authenticity the Lord wants from me. Not a mind that strives. But a heart that spills over.

As I have been wrestling with these thoughts, I have felt the gentleness the Father has for His daughters. I haven’t felt a tug to go quicker, as I wish to. No. Instead I have felt a gentle, present hand guiding me along at a steady pace. I have felt the comfort of a voice saying, “I’m here. No matter how long it takes.”

He is teaching me continually. Loving me steadfastly. And reassuring me patiently. As I abide in Him for these things, trust becomes easier just as it would with a friend.

As I sit at His feet, my heart rejoices and my mind stops a while and takes a breath.

The mind of a perfectionist

My mind fears

if I stop this relentless pursuit of perfection,

loving me will be burdensome

and You’ll have to love me from afar.

My mind fears

if I stop this inward striving,

You will be displeased and disappointed

and suffering will ensue.

Because Lord,

distance from You

is to truly suffer

and the thought makes my mind

race with worry.

But God,

my heart fears these things

because I confine You to human bounds

and conform You to my own image —

limiting the limitless love You have for me.

May the Spirit lead me to what’s true

and grant me the ability to comprehend Your great love

so my mind may rest

from all that it fears.

Weekly Update:

Hey guys! This week has been a whirlwind! We got Monday AND Tuesday off for the holiday, so the weekend was gloriously long! The three-day work week was full and productive and I am just continually filled with gratitude to be doing work that I am so passionate about! I took the train into the city for the weekend to spend some time with friends and I am currently writing to you on the car ride back. I am excited for the week ahead– we will be recording our first official podcast in our brand-new studio! There are only three weeks left of the internship which is so incredibly sad, but I’m thankful for the summer the Lord has blessed me with so far, and the excitement that comes with looking ahead at what’s to come!

Thanks for following along! I am so thankful for you and your support!